How to Be Miserable (In 10 Easy Steps)

If you’ve stumbled upon this post looking for new tactics and strategies on how to be miserable, welcome, you’ve come to the right place.

There are so many wonderful examples from history and today that we could apply to our own lives in the pursuit of being miserable. Fortunately, we don’t have to go into those or even list the most miserable humans alive because history is for the birds. No one really learns from history anyway.

Instead, Let’s. Get. Miserable. (…In 10 Easy to Follow Steps.)

Step 1: Count Your Misfortunes

Focusing your attention on all of the positive things that happen to will make you happy and grateful for what you have, but that’s not what we’re about here. If you want to be miserable, focus on everything that goes wrong, and ignore anything that goes right. For every ten good things that happen, there’s an eleventh that ruins them all.

Step 2: Focus on What You Can’t Control 

Your thoughts and your actions (and reaction) might be in your control, but there’s so much that’s not in your control so why even bother? Remember, to be miserable, you need to focus only on how you wish things would be versus how they are. You can’t change the weather. The only thing you can do about your age is increase it. You can’t change your past. You can’t change who you are. You can’t improve yourself. You can’t improve your circumstances. You can’t change other people. You can’t change anything. Ah— doesn’t that make you just feel so hopeless and miserable! Music to my ugly ears.

Step 3: Dwell. Stew in Your Mistakes 

Ah, the sweet smell of failure. Remember all of those mistakes you made in the past? Good. Just keep on regretting them. You made so many mistakes—it’s hilarious. Don’t you dare think about letting them go. Dwelling on them is the key to being miserable. Don’t worry. Your past is a great indication of your future. You’ll get another chance to make more mistakes soon enough. But in the meantime, just keep looping over and over again all the mistakes and failures you’ve made.

Step 4: Complain as Much as Possible

The more you complain, the more everyone around you will *love* you. Did I say love? That was a typo. I actually meant hate. They’re going to hate you for all of your complaints—which is exactly what we are looking for. The nice thing about complain is the more you do it, the more you hate yourself and your life too! Isn’t that great?! So worry to your hearts un-content. Complain like the world is ending. If it’s made of molecules and matter, there’s something to complain about it. Don’t forget to seek out other complainers too!

Step 5: Ghost Your Friends and Community

This step is easy. Whenever someone invites you to something, don’t go! Make up an excuse! Be as flakey as possible. Oooooh, I have an idea. Better yet, why not say you are going to go, and then don’t show up. To be a good friend, all you have to do is show up and be there for people when they need you the most. Luckily, we don’t have to do that! Do as much as you can to alienate yourself from your friends. What are friends, anyway? Do people even like you? It doesn’t seem like it. Better to be alone, that way you can hate yourself in peace.

Step 6: Bottle It Up 

Emotions should be suppressed and choked down. Never, I repeat, never tell anyone what you are really feeling. Bottle that sh💩t up baby!

Step 7: Become a Professional Dessert and Pizza Eater

An essential step in being miserable is to consume copious amounts of processed foods and sugar. Ice cream is a great place to start. But make sure you have a wide variety of unhealthy desserts and foods. There’s nothing quite like eating fast food every day to dull your senses and numb your problems with an extra serving of pie. Don’t worry about exercising—chewing is exercising. The great thing about processed foods is it also raises your blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, ache, allergies, and a plethora of unfavorable ailments. Eating unhealthy is also a fantabulous way of zapping your energy and will to live. Nothing is more miserable than an under-slept grumpy WALL-E human-blob.

Step 8: Ignore Your Dreams

Some countries teach their kids that they can be whatever they want to be.

Losers.

Luckily, in our country, we know the true—you can only be what other people tell you to be. You could pursue your dreams of being a photographer or a writer, but that’s just too much work, you know? If it’s not going to be easy, then why do it at all? Besides, your work isn’t that could, and you’re too fat from all of that ice cream you’ve been eating. Our brains are fixed, so you are never going to get any better than you are now. It’s better to be safe and just become a lawyer or something. What you want to do doesn’t matter. Ignore that crab. Just do what everyone else is doing.

Step 9: Surround Yourself with Naysayers and Superficiality

There’s an ancient quote that says, “believe everything you hear, test nothing for yourself, and never do when you can talk instead”. It’s a breathtaking quote. I cry tears of miserable bliss every I see it on unmotivational posters I have pinned to my office walls. Don’t worry about the shade and criticism your haters are throwing your way. We both know you are far worse. Your work sucks therefore you suck. And as long as you stay a failure, I’ll feel better about not doing anything for myself. Your misery equals *my* success. The key is to being joyously miserable is to surround yourself with people who don’t want to see you succeed.

Step 10: News and Booze 

And finally, spend as much time as you possibly can catching up on the latest breaking news and gossip going on in the world. Don’t worry about reading the full articles, just the headlines will do. As long as you stay up to date on every crisis, scare, failure, disaster, fire, and affair going on across the globe, then you’ll know exactly how miserable you should be. Also, don’t forget to drink— a lot. (When in doubt, pinky out.)

Follow this guide and you’ll well be on your way to misery!


P.S. This is a joke ha. Please don’t actually do this, otherwise, you really will become miserable. You desire all the happiness and success in this life and you have the power to improve and change any circumstances, no matter how miserable or dire it may seem. Focus on what’s in your control. Let go of what isn’t.

“We do not need magic to transform our world. We carry all the power we need inside ourselves already.”

J.K. Rowling

STAY BOLD, Keep Pursuing,
— Josh Waggoner | Daily Blog #918

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